If I had to pick one word to describe the last 5 months it would be EXHAUSTING. Of course it has been amazing, insane, beautiful, and magical...but I was limited to one word. I'm so sad that I didn't keep a journal during my pregnancy. I LOVED my pregnancy and want to remember everything from it, but now I will have to do my best to write down as much as I can remember.
With the girls turning 5 months this week and finally feeling like I'm getting a handle on things, I made a goal to write down the girls' birth story before 6 months. What an over achiever I would be if I finished it before they turned 5 months! So...here we go:
Like I said, I loved my pregnancy. Never before had I ever been so happy. I remember moments just sitting quietly and thinking "I am SO happy". I obviously have been happy most my life, but I never remember just spending time thinking about it.
I was so excited for my girls, and because I was considered high-risk we got to have an ultra-sound every 2 or 3 weeks. It was so fun seeing them so often, and I think that's why I felt so connected to them. I knew which one was which and what their personalities were. As I got further into my pregnancy, things weren't quite as enjoyable. For anyone who saw me after about 28 weeks, you know...I was HUGE! I didn't realize how big I was until I started looking at pictures--bad idea.
After 22 weeks my doctor pretty much forbid me from doing any physical activity, and that's around when I started having contractions just about anytime I moved. They were just braxton hicks, but very annoying and uncomfortable none the less. A couple weeks after that during an appointment they discovered I had a short cervix. They gave me steroid shots to help develop the girls lungs in case they came early, and put me on modified bed rest. I was allowed to go to work since I sat at a desk, but when I was home I was told to stay in bed. My work was amazingly accommodating and let me work from home several days a week. I always was a little worried I might go into labor, so every week felt like an accomplishment. Around 33 weeks I went into early labor. Luckily they were able to stop it and I got another round of steroids. At that point every day felt like it could be THE day. That's when it got tough. I was HUGE, I had gained 50 lbs, and every time I stood up my belly went rock hard from contractions. It got to the point where my leg would go numb and I would have to hobble for about 30 seconds before the feeling would come back.
It was up in the air whether or not I would have to have a C-section or not. About 50% of mothers having twins have to. My doctor said the only way he would try a vaginal birth is if both babies were head down when it was time to deliver. I struggled with the decision for most of my pregnancy of if I would be more at ease scheduling a c-section just so I would know what to expect, plus I was super scared of the idea of giving birth vaginally to baby A and then baby B flipping and having to do a c-section. I did not want to deal with that kind of recovery. I finally decided I would take my chances at a vaginal birth, and if it wasn't an option when it was time then I would do what I had to. I knew any way would be fine, but this was what I wanted. I wanted the "It's time" moment, where unexpectedly I would realize my girls were coming and we better get to the hospital.
By 36 weeks I did not care how they came. I WANTED THEM OUT! I was sooo incredibly uncomfortable, couldn't sleep, and I don't think there was a shirt in the world that fit over my belly. At my appointment my doctor said he would induce at 37 if they had not come. My blood pressure was on the rise and I think he could tell I was going mad. We had just moved to Salt Lake, it was a tough move but we were pretty much unpacked....we were ready for these girls to come!
On May 27th (Memorial Day), I got my huge self dressed to go do some shopping with my mom. She had gotten in the night before since we knew I would have the girls that week. Before we went out, Tim wanted to take one last prego picture of me. At the time I thought "perfect, I've done my hair and I'm dressed cute". But after I looked at the picture I realized how wrong I was.
I cried and changed my clothes two more times before I felt ready to go out with my mom. We bought fabric for the nursery curtains and did a walmart run to pick up the last few items I thought we needed. We came home, my mom made a beautiful dinner, then all three of us sat down on the couch to watch the first episode of the Bachelorette (Des' season). About an hour in, I felt a huge gush to which I jumped off the couch and yelled "MY WATER JUST BROKE!" I moved to the wood floor, and stood on a towel while Tim got everything we needed put in the car. I was so excited! There was no mistake that my water had really broken and so I knew they couldn't turn me away at the hospital. About 20 minutes later we were ready to go. We were delivering at Orem Community so we had about a 30 minute drive. It was so much fun, it seemed like we had been waiting years for this and we knew it finally was time.
We got to the hospital around 9 PM, we were the only ones there so we got the best suite and lots of amazing nurses. They checked to see if my water really had broken, then did a quick ultra-sound to check the babies' position. BOTH were head down! I was so relieved because a week before baby B was breech. I was at a 4 and fully effaced but not in active labor so they started me on small dosages of pitocin.
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| Red is Baby A, Green Baby B |
Orem community is a small hospital and it was the middle of the night, so there wasn't an anesthesiologist there. The nurses gave me a heads up that when I wanted my epidural to keep in mind it would take about an hour to get it from when I asked for it. I was fully planning on getting an epidural, plus I was pretty much required to since there was the chance of an emergency c-section. I'm embarrassed to say I hadn't done much research on it or given it much thought since the whole time I really thought I would have to have a c-section. I didn't know when would be best to get it, so I decided I would wait as long as I could. My thought process being "what if I have to go to the bathroom or want to walk around". Which didn't really matter. I would definitely say I waited longer than I should have. My contractions were coming on STRONG because of the pitocin and were about a minute and a half apart. I finally decided it was time, so I gave the word. About an hour later they came with my epidural, my contractions were about a minute apart. Getting the epidural was SO painful. Not the actual needle, but the position I had to be in for the ten minutes it took for him to give it to me. I was hunched over my massive belly which was about the worst position I think I could have been in while having intense contractions. I held Tim's hand for what felt like forever until the doctor finally finished. I was perfect after that. I could still move my legs around pretty easily but no longer felt the contractions.
I didn't really sleep but I felt relaxed. Around 6am they told me I was at a 10, but the operating room was booked most of the morning and they wanted me to deliver in one in case I needed a c-section. So they let me rest and descend in hopes I wouldn't have to push for very long once they were ready for me. They took us to the operating room around 9:30am and got me set up. Tim had to wear these ugly, plastic scrubs, and we both wore caps. I remember Tim asking me if I thought it would be okay to wear his flip flops in the operating room and I told him he should be wearing real shoes when our daughters are born.

The operating room made me feel like I was Mike Teavee from Willy Wonka in the white room where they shrunk the candy bar. Everything was so bright and white. There was a huge team of nurses and doctors in there for us, and it kind of felt like we were there to accomplish some big, important mission--I guess we were! We had double the nurses because we were having two babies, and we also had NICU nurses just in case. Then there was an anesthesiologist, two respiratory specialists, and our OB.
They had me start pushing. It was amazing. There was this huge team there just for us, helping and cheering us on. Tim was on my right side holding my hand and one of my legs, and I had a nurse on my left doing the same. It was so different than what I've seen in movies. They always scream in the movies, but I realized that doesn't make sense because you can't push and scream at the same time. Anyways, I had been pushing about an hour or so and then they called in my doctor, Dr. Harward. When I was pushing with just the nurses they were very encouraging and would tell me how good I was doing, but when Dr. Harward came we got down to business. He really pushed me to dig deeper, I needed it. In between pushes we all started talking about Bachelorette. I told them how my water had broke in the middle of it and it seemed like everyone in the room had also watched it, including Dr. Harward. We talked about which bachelors we liked, and the weird guy who didn't wear a shirt. I kept pushing.
Quinn Elaine
Tim could see Quinn's head. It was so painful. It seemed like the epidural was working for my contractions but I could feel EVERYTHING when I pushed. I ended up having to get an episiotomy. Tim said there was no way she was coming out and Dr. H wanted to control the direction of the tear. I was not happy about it, but it really didn't end up being too bad of a recovery. I did a final push and felt huge relief. Quinn's head was out, and a second later, she was here. 11:20 am. It was silent for a few long seconds and then she let out a cry. Tim said it felt like he walked into a wave when he heard it. I know what he means, it was like getting the wind knocked out of me but having it replaced with something else, awe maybe. They quickly checked her out, she peed, they weighed and measured her, checked her pulse and her breathing. She was 5 lbs 11 oz, 19 inches long.

Then they handed her to me. My very first thought when I saw her was "she looks like me". My mom had brought my baby pictures down with her and I had looked at them the day before. I was a huge baby, a 9 pounder. Quinn was a skinny thing, but she had the same slanted eyes I had when I was a baby. She was a little mushed, and her nose was a little swollen, and she was so amazing. From about 20 weeks into my pregnancy, Quinn had established her position as baby A and never gave it up. She was the aggressor of the two. I always felt her kick, it was like she wanted to make sure I knew she was there and was thinking about her. That same personality has continued through these first months of her life. She is definitely the squeaky wheel.
Kennedy Knoble
They took Quinn to the nursery, and then it was back to work. I remember wanting to know what Kennedy's position was, and when Dr. H said she was head down. I was SO relieved. NO C-SECTION! They broke Kennedy's water and I started pushing again--at least I tried to. I had been in so much pain during Quinn's delivery that they had upped my epidural and given me some local anesthetic, but I don't think it kicked in until I started pushing with Kennedy. I couldn't feel anything. I remember telling the doctor "I'm so sorry, I'm not tired at all, I just can't even tell if I'm pushing". It made it really hard, and I was so frustrated. Finally Dr. H decided to use the vacuum. He only had to do it for about two seconds and she was out. It went so quickly, just about 20 minutes after Quinn. Kennedy cried right away and much louder than Quinn. I can't remember what she sounded like, I just remember thinking her cry was different than Quinn's. Kennedy weighed 6 lbs 1 oz, 20 inches. I was thrilled. I was really hoping they would both be at least 5.5 lbs and they were!


When they gave her to me my first thought was "she looks just like one of Matt's babies". Matt is Tim's older brother. Kennedy definitely had the Michaelis look. And she was gorgeous, seriously she was perfect. I will always remember her flared nostrils breathing so hard. I just kept thinking how beautiful she was. It was amazing meeting her. I had felt such a strong bond with Kennedy during my pregnancy. I decided who she was first. She was quiet and calm in my belly. I often would worry about her because I rarely felt her kick, but I knew fairly early on that she was a sweetheart, and I knew she was Kennedy.
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| Quinn, Kennedy |
When they took her away I sent Tim to be with the girls in the nursery. This was our plan from the beginning, and looking back I would still have done it this way, but I was totally clueless about what came next. I had completely forgot about delivering the placentas. I thought I was done. Nope, I still had two placentas inside me...oh yeah. So delivering them was no big deal, but then Dr. H said that one of them had torn, so he needed to go in and make sure he got everything out. I remember being terrified. Tim was gone, I felt so alone. And then I felt so much pain. I seriously felt like I was in a horror film. I was squeezing the poor nurses hand beside me, I don't think I could have done it without her. The doctor used these scary tools and started scraping me out. Kind of like how you would clean out a pumpkin, except bloody. So much pain. And it seemed to last forever. I don't know how long it took but I would guess around 30 minutes. Then they wheeled me back to my room.
I was so so glad my mom was there waiting. Tim was still in the nursery, I quickly told my mom how amazing the girls were. Then Tim came in and took my mom with him into the nursery. I was alone. I burst into tears. I think the stillness gave me time to realize what a crazy ordeal I had just been through. A nurse came in and I think I scared her. I was sobbing. I finally calmed myself down, and a couple minutes later my mom and Tim came back in, followed by my girls.
Tim handed me Quinn and I immediately started crying again. I did some skin to skin with her for a little and then switched to Kennedy. I don't think I ever held both of them on me at the same time in the hospital. I wish I had. I was so out of it though. I was completely exhausted and felt so weak. The girls were so skinny. The skin on there legs wrinkled up like there was too much of it for their bony bodies. Everyone kept telling me to rest but I just wanted to stare at them and hold them and take pictures.
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| Kennedy |
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| Quinn |
We all went to the nursery a little later for their first bath. I was still in a wheel chair and I kept nodding off, it was so hard to stay awake. The girls were so so tiny. Tim did perfect. I don't think I changed a single diaper at the hospital. I mostly laid in bed while he changed diapers, finger fed them, and learned how to swaddle them. I was worried I would have no clue what to do when we got home.
The rest of our stay at the hospital was amazing. Tim and I always talk about how we want to go back. It was like a vacation. Our nurses were amazing and helped so much. Even though I felt like I had been hit by a car, I was on an amazing high. When we were walking out of the hospital we ran into another couple coming in that were there to have twins. I felt so much better than her...how silly of her to still have her babies in her belly. But then I was also a little jealous that they were just starting their hospital adventure and ours was just ending.
The ride home was so long. We picked up two different breast pumps on the way home--one we rented from the hospital and the other was the one I got through my insurance. The girls weren't strong enough to breast feed so the lactation specialist told me to rent a hospital grade pump to build my supply until they could. I have been pumping ever since. I did a little breast feeding with the girls, but for me it just seemed much easier to have a bottle around. Also, it allowed Tim to help feed the girls and I was never very excited about the idea of trying the double football hold. I can't believe I have made it five months pumping. It was so hard to do at the beginning, and I wanted to quit so many times, but I'm so grateful it has worked out.
Life has been rough since we brought the girls home (to say the very least). The first couple weeks I think I was averaging 2-3 hours of sleep a day. I felt like a ghost of a person. I didn't want to see anyone, I felt awful. If Tim told me someone was coming over to see the girls I would start crying. I had to be reminded over and over to eat something. I was exhausted. I don't think I remember half of it now. But it has been the hardest thing I've ever done times about 10. I lost 40 lbs in 9 days and another 30 lbs over the next 3 months, which was great, but i think I just sweat it all off. I was ALWAYS sweating. Quinn had colic for the first couple months and would just cry and cry. We still are getting up with each of them 2 or 3 times a night, which is a huge improvement from even just a month ago.
But on the bright side, we had our beautiful girls. I felt so incredibly lucky to have them. I told Tim the other day, "how often do people get exactly what they wanted? Do you realize we got EXACTLY what we wanted?" Tim and I had talked about having twins before we even started trying to have kids. Then when we started trying it took much longer than we thought. I haven't told very many people, but we had a miscarriage about 6 months before getting pregnant with the girls. Sometimes I think the baby we lost was Kennedy and she found her way back to us.
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| Kennedy-our little lamb |
Things are getting easier, probably because the girls keep getting cuter and more fun. Sometimes my body just aches with love for them. I've done this thing my whole life where I clench my jaw at things that are cute. Like when we got a kitten, my jaw hurt for weeks. So my constantly sore jaw is proof that my babies are cuter than kittens. I've recently started feeling that same happiness from when I was pregnant. I tell Tim almost every day "I'm so happy. Our girls are beautiful." I still have really hard days, but I can only imagine that it will get more fun from here.
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| Quinn bird |
I love Kennedy and Quinn more than I can understand or explain. It's so hard in the middle of the night sometimes when they wake up to not just take them back to bed with me and snuggle them. And they love us. That's the best part. Every smile, laugh, and flirty eyebrow (Quinn) they make just melts my heart because I know they love me. And it is the best kind of love I've ever felt from someone.
I am so happy they have each other. I can't wait for them to discover they have a forever best friend. It's so comforting to know they will have each other to lean on through life. I hope they will always know how much we love them and how beautiful they are.
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| Born together, best friends forever |